This post is about the place I'm in for this season of my life. It's not something I've ever even thought of writing about, it's not something I've always felt, but I think it may help me gain perspective...so here goes.
I awake almost every day to a dull, drudgery kinda feeling. I pray that the day will be a good one...a peaceful one. I pray for a day where my kids will see Jesus in me, a day where their love for each other will be evident. I pray that I will be energetic and enthusiastic. But mostly I pray that I will not be riddled with guilt.
The past few months have been filled with feelings of guilt. Feeling bad that we decided to home school our kids. Feeling guilt because I can't meet all their needs. Feeling guilt because I don't get to spend as much time with my kids as I would like. And by that I mean fun times. I'm always helping each of my kids with their school work so I'm always in close proximity. Somehow every day seems to be another day of "do this!, do that!, please work!." And all I want is peace, calm and fun!
Perhaps I feel guilt because I see the disapproval in some peoples' eyes. The people who don't know the whole story on why we decided to home school. The people who think I am doing my kids an injustice. The people who think there is only one way to educate a child.
Perhaps I feel guilt because I was deprived of a public school education and had to fight every step of the way to graduate from high school. Perhaps it's because I vowed that my kids would have every possible opportunity to be well educated. Perhaps it's because I think I fail at providing a good education.
It's rather ironic though. I have every confidence in teaching any grade level and most any subject...in a school setting. And still...I feel I may be failing my kids.
So why do I feel so guilty?
I think guilt is the product of several things. First of all, I believe Satan really wants me to feel like a failure. He wants me to believe I suck at raising our kids, that they would be better off in school. Well the fact of the matter remains...we tried that for many years. Our experience with a FEW key individuals made it VERY clear that continuing to send our kids to our local school was certainly NOT in their best interest. Now that's not to say that the school is horrid and every child's safety/best interest is at risk. That's simply not the case. However, we have seen incredible strides in each of our kids. Strides that would not have happened at school. All 3 of our kids are continually gaining in confidence, they are getting along better, and there are a lot less sad emotions related to bullying. And academically...they are way ahead of the game! Most importantly though...we have a lot more time to learn about Jesus...hmmm that realization in and of itself is chipping away at all the guilt!
Secondly, I think being sick for a good 10-12 weeks in the past 4 months has made me feel like a failure. It's been hard! I've focused on the basics of household things and school. However, when I look back at all we've accomplished and how much the kids have learned, I see it is a very silly reason to feel guilty. And my house is still in a "sort of" clean/tidy state!
The third reason is that I see what our kids miss out on. I know they are missing out on the field trips, fun activities that are next to impossible for me to do at home due to the wide age range in our kids/materials needed, extra curricular activities, and the freedom to have more time to be away from parental supervision and have other adults impact their lives in a positive/healthy manner. The fact of the matter is this...there is very little I can do to make up for what they are missing. And that sucks!
And last of all...there's been a LOT happening around here in the past 6 months. Jackson arrived home, we started homeschooling all 3 kids, my MIL was/is very ill. my brother-in-law had open heart surgery, and to top it all off...we have some household renos happening. I keep telling myself that this is our first year. That if we home school next year it will be easier...I hope?!?
I know I'm not the only mom that struggles with guilt. So please know that I am praying for all of you as I pray for myself each and every day. Let's not give up! Let's fight this battle and come out on the other end more mature, wise and godly than before.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
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